Of Crystals and Animal Totems

I recently bought a leopard jasper crystal from my favorite metaphysical store. I have a tendency to go for those crystals I am drawn to on that particular day, and this particular one sort of reached out to me. Once in hand, I did a little research in a reference book the shopkeeper has nearby and noticed leopard crystal was good for shamanic journeys and identifying animal totems. Intrigued, I bought the crystal and brought it home.

I decided to use the crystal for meditation, so I laid down and placed the crystal in the middle of my forehead at the third eye chakra. I then focused on going within to my heart space and allowing myself to feel my expanded spirit within the Oneness. Suddenly, I felt the presence of Saul, who sat in the chair next to me. I heard him say, "So, you want to take a journey." I felt myself being pulled upward to a light blue cloud-like place which felt very comforting, peaceful and healing. I stayed in that space for quite some time.

I began to think of the other uses of the leopard jasper--specifically the one dealing with animal totems. I have to confess here that I have never really tried to get in touch with my animal totem. It just wasn't of particular interest although I have nothing against the idea. While I was in this lifted state with Saul though I thought, "What the heck--what is my animal totem?"

Immediately an image of a mountain lion came to mind. Being a Leo, I think I have a natural affinity to cats, and this seemed right. After a while, I became curious about what this totem represents, so I came back to earth and got on the computer to google mountain lion totem. Interestingly enough, I read that the lesson of the mountain lion is to learn to be a fair leader.

Part of what I find intriguing about this is the fact that I have always been a leader, although most of my life I have run away from the responsibility. From the time I was a small child, people were always attracted to me. I was often the one organizing activities and events that everyone wanted to participate in. I was the type of person who knew no cliques--somehow I managed to walk freely in and out of them (even between cliques that were in competition with each other). This changed by choice when I was twelve after I was made aware that not everyone liked where I led. Not wanting to control others, I suddenly stopped (not realizing people were still able to choose whether or not they liked the direction I was leading them in).

As an adult, perhaps the only real leadership responsibility I have held onto is that of parent, but that doesn't mean I haven't been offered the job. In fact, during my twelve years in daycare settings, I went from being cook to assistant teacher to lead teacher to assistant and lead teacher positions within Georgia Pre-K. Within that time, I was also offered assistant daycare director or daycare director positions four times. I always turned those down because I did not feel that was my life calling nor did I want that responsibility. Even in my current part-time retail job, I find myself getting more hours than I really want and increasingly my opinion and advice is asked for in various situations. I work hard and seem to get a lot of respect.

I do believe there is more leadership within my life, although maybe the timing is not quite right yet. I do believe it has something to do with being a teacher and healer and helping others find their own internal connection to God. Quietly, this mountain lion seems to be going with me, nudging me toward those choices that will be good for myself as well as those I will one day lead.

Lessons From Past Whisperings

Before I truly recognized Saul's presence, he was still in the backgound attempting to help me find the right paths to follow. There were even times when he gave me actual words when I needed answers or there was something important I needed to know. Now that I have come to know Saul on a more personal level, I realize he talked to me all along, even when I didn't acknowledge him. I am now better at recognizing his voice, but it was the same one I have always heard.

One significan point where Saul gave me a specific word was when I was trying to better define my daughter's emotional/mental/behavioral problems. She had spent months in counseling with no significant changes in behavior or depression. She spent more time under the care of a psychiatrist who diagnosed ADHD and put her on meds. While there were some improvements in her behavior, my intuition told me there was still more to her problems. I prayed to God for additional insight. The word "bipolar" was placed in my consciousness.

Having majored in psychology in college, I was familiar with bipolar disorder and how it manifests in adults. After hearing the word "bipolar", I began to do a little research on the subject and discovered it manifests differently in children--and very much like my daughter. It dawned on me that I could see similar patterns of behavior in other children I worked with in daycare/teaching settings and through church youth activities I helped with. When I questioned their parents about family history of depression/bipolar I was told they had family histories of those issues! As I became more familiar with the symptoms of bipolar in children, I began to recognize potential issues within my own family history which had gone unacknowledged but had presented problems. I received confirmation of this when two adult cousins from different sides of the family were later diagnosed bipolar!

I also remember hearing Saul's voice at a time I was not really looking for any answers. In a quiet moment, I heard the words, "You are an empath" in my mind. My first reaction was, "I'm a what?" I did not even know the definition of the word empath (although I assumed it had something to do with empathy).

As I researched this one, I realized a number of things in the definition fit me. I have always been extremely sensitive to the needs of others, I hate being out in crowds (attributed to receiving too much emotional stimuli), and I have interesting sensitivies to both nature and illnesses. Ironically, animals and children are often highly attracted to me--another tell-tale sign of an empath. As I continue to recognize my gift, I am able to develop it and use it more fully in my life's work.

It isn't necessarily important to acknowledge the source of such whisperings. It's much more important to just receive them in the first place! Still, as you begin to quiet your mind and connect to the Universe, know it will be easier to identify more specifics about the intuitive counsel you receive. You may even find yourself talking with your own guides on a more personal level!  

Saul's Message: It's Time To Choose!

I have woken up the past two mornings extremely anxious without really knowing why. Occasionally during sleep or quiet times, I seemed to get bits and pieces of messages that weren't particularly coherent. I decided to meditate on it to see if anything were a little more clear. These are Saul's words to me. I'm sharing this, not because I particularly want to, but because I feel the message is an important one--meant for more than just me.

The earth groans from the pain of its birthing process. New life struggles to be born, but this is a dangerous time for the child. It needs to emerge soon or it will be crushed and smothered by the weight of the birthing process--that process by which is the earth trying to balance herself.

Today is the day of choice! No longer can you stand on the sidelines and watch. It is time to choose your path and follow where it leads.

You can choose the path of allowing and acceptance--the path that leads to an open heart. It is the path of love, cooperation and Oneness. It is the path of peace, which refuses to pick up a sword against your neighbor.

You may choose the path of standing up for your beliefs--fighting for them and dying for them. This is the path that forces your beliefs on your fellow men. This path leads to death and destruction.

Choose your path carefully. The earth's new child has the potential to bring wonderful new life or become stillborn. It will depend on your choice.

Taking The Time To Listen

I was listening to a wonderful interview on Jennifer McLean's Healing With the Masters Teleseminar series (http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/) this morning where she had interviewed the gifted intuitive Sonia Choquette. It was all on the topic of asking for and expecting help from your guides. It was packed with so much good information, I picked up my journal and began taking notes, stopping occasionally to write down advice and some of my own thoughts.

I haven't done a great job of acknowledging Saul and company lately (as you can see by the holes in this blog). The need to do so became obvious as I listened to Sonia's wise words. She talked a long time on the importance of saying "Yes!" instead of asking "Why?" when your guides give you advice, which made a lot of sense to me as I know that when I follow their seemingly off the wall advice, good things happen.

That said, as I was taking my notes, I found myself not so much writing about what Sonia was saying but having my own written conversation with Saul which went like this.

"Expect your guides to help you, Cindy! That's what they're here for! The more you listen, the more you'll be in flow and the more the Universe will open up to you! You already know this, Cindy!"

I reply, "Yes, but I want it to be automatic. I want my intuition to be strong!"

"You have to exercise the muscle! Use it! Don't lose it!"

With ever so much patience, I am once again guided in the right direction. I just have to take the time to listen.

Talking With Those Who Pass On

Part of my journey with Saul has been about acknowledging my continuing relationships with those who have spent time with me here but have now passed on. I don't consider myself a medium, but there are times when my empathic abilities allow me to sense those who are no longer here when I particularly need to talk to them. I've talked with grandparents and aunts, and I seem particularly close to my first mother-in-law. The most surprising one has been just this morning as I sit in my quiet time and connect.

I have been relating my story about my experiences in the Jeffrey Lundgren cult in a series on my other regular blog, From Cocoon to Butterfly (http://www.cocoontobutterfly.blogspot.com/). I've actually felt prompted by Saul to begin telling my story in this way, and I've found it to be both revealing and catharic for me. As I remember the details to their conclusion, I feel the presence of Karen Avery, the little girl who was killed by Jeff Lundgren along with her family. In many ways, her memory has haunted me for years.

I hear Karen tell me she does not want her story to be all about revenge and "justice". She wants what I want: to let her life serve as a cautionary tale about what can happen to those who follow another human instead of following the truth inside themselves--that God within. She did not die for justice. She died for love.

As I walk this path of telling my story, I choose to tell Karen's story as well. It's the least I can do for someone who could not tell her own story in life. It is definitely a story worth sharing.

When Chaos Erupts

My daughter woke up in an extremely foul mood this morning. Consequently, she interupted my usual quiet/meditation time, which began to throw me off my day. I've also been counseling a friend who is not finding her life manifesting the things she wants as quickly as she would like them to. She's getting down, and there's only so much you can do for a friends who is down. Being a very "feeling" sort of person, it can be hard for me to not internalize the feelings of others.

Realizing it is more important than ever for me to sit in the quiet and do my best to hear from those placed here to help me, I find myself calling more and more on my relationship with Saul. As I sit in the quiet, his gentle, reassuring words comfort me at the very core of my being.

I hear these words:
     Chaos erupts to remind you to focus on the Divine inside yourself. Truth resides within. You know this and you have experienced this. You are being called to live your life from this place--the place of truth, the place of Connection. We are guiding you in your present journey, just as we have always guided you.  Stay a while with us and we will give you all you need to meet the challenges of this day.

As I rest in this Divine presence, I feel so loved! All the empty places inside me, where I have been worn down by the turmoils of this lifetime, begin to fill back up again! I am no longer an imperfect human. I recognize once again that I am a Divine being of light and love. I am whole, and I am once again ready to be a conscious creator of my world.

Letting Go

One of the biggest joys, as well as one of the greatest challenges, in my life has been my relationship with my daughter. It seemed from the beginning of her life she needed constant attention and care. As she grew older, the problems grew greater. Her teenage years have been some of the worst I have ever experienced, but at the same time I consider it all joy because of what I have learned through the struggle. Some of the most profound insights of my life have come because I was forced to look at the world in unusual ways in order to cope with her problems.

Being a good parent is difficult. You have to balance your need for control (which we often justify as "guidance") with the need to allow the child to learn their own lessons. I am between such a rock and a hard place with my daughter. Because of the traumas she has sufferend in the past few years, she is stuck. I have also felt stuck in my own life, waiting for her to resolve some of her issues and move on.

It is only recently that I have sought the more Divine guidance of the spirit world in this matter. As I enquire within and listen to the voices of Saul and company, I hear several different pieces of advice. The first is to talk to my sister, who has had similar problems with her own daughter. The second is to ask for her help. Typically, I am a very independent sort of person who hesitates to ask anyone for help. The third (and most important) is to let my daughter go.

There is a lot to letting my daughter go. The first thought that comes is that her life is ultimately about her, not about me. She had a job to do in helping me learn some truths, but that part of our journey together seems to be about over. The second thought is that I am, in a very real sense, still energetically clinging to my daughter when she needs to be set free. Thus, part of her current problem is me!

Learning to trust the advice of my guides is hard sometimes. I question my sanity on occasion. Still, their voices ring with a truth that is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I will let go of my daughter, and trust the Universe will catch her in the fall.

It's Often the Subtle Things

On many occasions, we don't allow ourselves to hear from or even acknowledge the counsel of our spirit guides. Sometimes it is because they seem like figments of our imaginations--it just seems crazy to believe in something we can't necessarily see. At other times, we try to get advice, but we try so hard that the outside noise gets in the way and we can't hear the message clearly. Often, it is important to look for physical signs in order to understand the message you sensed was clear.

One of the resources I have discovered lately has been various "cards". I found an application on Facebook several weeks ago that resonated strongly with me called Path of the Soul, Destiny Cards, by Cheryl Lee Harnish . You can ask for a one card reading or a three card reading (usually the one I pick). Not only are the pictures gorgeous, but they also convey some profound insights which correspond to what I believe my guides are trying to tell me. For example, I have begun to see a few things happen in my professional life that seem to be taking hold. On the day I started to feel this part of my life coming into play, I pulled a card called the Creation card. This is a card of manifestation! The thing is, I have never pulled that particular card before. To be quite honest, it was the first time I felt myself to be the powerful creator I rationally know myself to be. (And I pull a manifestation card!)

I've also had some helpful moments with a pack of angel cards I got called Ask An Angel, by Toni Carmine Salereno. These, too, are beautiful cards that have confirmed messages I have already felt when I have used them.

Obviously, this is not the only way our guides can get our attention. They will present us with people or situations who can assist our journeys. They will write something significant on a license plate we're following or keep repeating the same number over and over again. It's just nice to know our guides are there in the background, making sure we stick to our life plans.

Sometimes, it's the subtle things that make all the difference!

Celebrate!

Today has been a most unusual day. After months, even years, of trying to discover my purpose and find ways to make that my living...progress! I can barely contain the excitement I feel as I contemplate this latest adventure. The funny thing is, I can feel the spirit world celebrating with me as well!

The past few weeks I have increased my meditation practices in an effort to better hear that truth which lies within and follow its counsel. Several days ago, I felt inspired to  begin sharing my story about being in a cult and what I learned from it. Although it happened many years ago, I still have not dealt with some of the negative feelings (including guilt and shame) associated with it. "Coming out", however, felt right. I just had to make the commitment that I would do it if it would be a blessing to others. It has been scary for me to say the least. (You can find the story here: http://cocoontobutterfly.blogspot.com/2011/02/to-trust-in-man-part-1.html )

The irony is, my blog readership on that blog has increased ten times in the couple days I have worked on this series. I have been wanting this to happen--have dreamed of being a professional writer since I was twelve years old. It feels like I am finally headed in the right direction.

As I sit here and listen to the silence, I feel Saul and company behind me. I get the sense they are full of excitement and energy. It's like they are all running around behind me, turning cartwheels and doing back handsprings, sort of like cheerleaders.

It makes me smile, and it reminds me of something a gifted teacher and intuitive counselor, Susann Taylor Shier (http://www.soulmastery.net/) once said to me. "You have to believe the Universe is standing behind you, cheering you on." That's exactly how I feel at this precise moment as Saul continues his excited antics!

Know the Universe is cheering you on as well as you pursue your life's work! Sit back and listen to the silence. It's time to celebrate!

We Are Honored To Help

As I began to become more familiar with how Saul and company spoke to me, I began to hear a little more clearly from them. I was beginning to have a wonderful time exploring this side of my life which had been unexposed for so long. I started to realize that thoughts didn't just pop into my head. Those random thoughts I always wondered about did originate from somewhere beyond myself!

My mind questioned Saul and listened for answers. There were times I still felt the conversations were all part of my rather creative imagination, but I began to understand something profound. Saul's answers really did give me a feeling of fullness in my chest which would radiate down toward my naval.

For years I have questioned my calling in life (and for that matter still do most days!). Saul has a tendency to provide me with small steps as opposed to the "bigger picture". I'm pretty sure this is because I am a very impatient person. If I knew exactly what my "bigger picture" was, I am the type of person who would go out there and just do it, probably wrecking the timing of things in the process.

One day, as I talked to Saul once again about my life's purpose, I asked him about my relationship with him and the others. He told me they had all "volunteered" to help me with my calling. When I questioned him about why they wanted to help me, he said, "We were honored to help Cindy Shippy Evans." The thing that struck me about the statement was that he said it like it was some great privilege. The statement came with an overwhelming amount of love and esteem--I felt its impact strongly throughout my entire body. It was so overwhelming I felt tears of joy. The way Saul said it, I was some wonderful, glorious being meant to have tremendous impact in the world.

The thing is, while I believe my job is important, I don't believe it is any more important than anything you are called to do in this lifetime. Saul told me he was honored so I would understand my worth. Understand that you also are esteemed by your guides in equal manner. We are all so profoundly loved and cherished and valued. Your guides want you to know that.

Learning To Communicate

I was delighted to discover my spirit guide had a name, Saul (one I didn't assign him). Because I had heard an actual name through my gift of feeling, it began to dawn on me that I was capable of obtaining solid answers to the questions I had. Becoming more familiar with this guide became much more important as I struggled to learn how he communicated with me.

I quickly began to identify a feeling of fullness in my chest area as one of my personal assurances that I was getting information from somewhere outside myself. At times, the feeling was so intense it would flow down toward my naval. Interestingly enough, I had felt these same feelings at many times throughout my life. They had always given me good information, and when I acted on that information I usually got amazingly good results. I had always attributed this information to God or the Holy Spirit (still do actually). The difference now was that I understood my guide was something of a conduit for communicating with the Divine. One of his jobs was to facilitate that communication. I stood in awe of the knowledge that Saul had been talking to me all along. I just didn't know it.

I do think it is important to break away from the narrative a little at this point because I want to make one thing clear. When I described above how Saul talks to me with a feeling of fullness in my chest, your guides may not talk to you in the same way. Guides talk to people in different ways depending upon the gifts and talents of the individual. (A great resource to explore these issues is Susann Taylor Shier's website: www.soulmastery.net.)

One of the main questions I had for Saul early on was about my other guides. I could sense their presence, although I couldn't hear directly from them. When I questioned Saul about it, he confirmed they were indeed there but he was the one in charge of communicating with me. He was also sort of the lead guide in my life--the one who orchestrated the actions of the others to fit my needs.

Life was indeed getting interesting! 

My Name Is Saul

I drove home from South Carolina, my mind reeling. I knew we all have angels to protect and guide us. I even had a couple of friends whose special gift is to see them. Still, I had never experienced anything like that in my life. Angels were not just an idea to me anymore. They were real.

A short time later, I got some insight from a gifted intuitive counselor named Susann Taylor Shier (www.soulmastery.net). During the course of our conversation, Susann brought up the concept that guides are always working for us, cheering us on. I mentioned the experience of sensing my guide and was encouraged to take the time to explore that relationship further.

During the course of the next week, I took advantage of every moment of quiet time I had. Being the teacher of two-year-olds at a daycare, my best times occurred during naptime. I would sit a few minutes, focusing on being in my body and more specifically in my heartspace. I began talking to the presence quietly, just feeling where it was. I felt a little ridiculous talking to some entity without a name, so I assigned him the name "Bob"--sort of like one automatically calls a stray dog "Fido" or "Spot". I felt his sense of humor bubbling up every time I referred to him by this pseudo-name. It was nice to know he had a sense of humor.

After a couple of days getting to know this presence and referring to him as "Bob", I got a much stronger message from him than I had ever received before. Instead of just feelings and impressions, the feelings became strong enough to form words. "My name is Saul." It wasn't said in an angry, exasperated way. I knew he wasn't upset about being called "Bob". The voice was quite matter-of-fact. Saul was just answering a question I had not asked because of my own feelings of inadequacy. My reaction to the statement was, "Really?" It seemed improbable to me that I was worthy enough to actually get words let alone an answer to my unspoken question. He had a name. It was Saul and I knew it!

The Presence

The South Carolina trees were clothed in the freshness of spring. The stillness of the countryside was broken only occasionally by the crowing of a rooster in the distance. Dew still clung to the delicate blades of grass in the late morning sunshine. It was so easy to be at peace there with the beauty of nature all around. My sister and I were taking full advantage of the calm as we sat, staring at the green of the woods, leaving the modern world behind.

I was excited to share some of the things I had learned about connecting to Source over the past several months with my sister. I explained how important it was to be fully present in your body--you could tell by being aware of your five senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell). Once you are sure your spirit is totally integrated into your body and not wandering around through your imagination, you could begin to go within and connect to your heartspace. This heartspace is the place you recognize the light within and connect to the Oneness. I was excited by what I had learned about myself and the Universe by doing this process, and I wanted her to be able to access it also.

The two of us sat, together yet each focused on our own connection to that energy that is everything. It was in this period of exploring that connection--that Void--I first became aware of a presence. It felt as though someone was standing behind me and somewhat to the left, just out of arm's reach. The presence was not scary--I actually felt protected. I didn't try to look back. It was enough to know it was there. I also sensed a presence near my sister, although I did not focus much on that being knowing it was there for her and not me. We sat for a long time just absorbing the energy.

I knew for the first time in my life I was consciously connecting to my angel, my spirit guide. I allowed myself to bask in the glow of affection this being had for me, and I allowed my love to flow back. I understood this guide was there for me--had always been there, and I drew strength from it. The awareness of this presence was the start of many beautiful experiences of come.